I Have a Cunning Plan!

Blackadder: Am I jumping the gun, Baldrick, or are the words "I have a cunning plan" marching with ill-deserved confidence in the direction of this conversation?

Bacldrick: They certainly are, sir!

Blackadder: Well, forgive me if I don't do a cartwheel of joy. Your record in this department is hardly 100%. So what is it?

Baldrick: We do nothing.

Blackadder: Yup, it's another world-beater.

Baldrick: No, wait. We do nothing ... until our heads have actually been cut off.

Blackadder: And then we ... spring into action?

-                     Blackadder

Nob and Nobility

Lobbest Thou Thy Holy Hand Grenade

King Arthur: How does it... um... how does it work?
Sir Lancelot: I know not, my liege.
King Arthur: Consult the Book of Armaments.
Brother Maynard: Armaments, chapter two, verses nine through twenty-one.
Cleric: [reading] And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, "O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy." And the Lord did grin. And the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths, and carp and anchovies, and orangutans and breakfast cereals, and fruit-bats and large chu...
Brother Maynard: Skip a bit, Brother...
Cleric: And the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.
Brother Maynard: Amen.
All: Amen.
King Arthur: Right. One... two... five.
Galahad: Three, sir.
King Arthur: Three.

Photo: Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Are You Ready For Some...

To me, there is nothing better than taking the family out and tossing around the old pig skin. The squealing scares the kids, but it's a good warm-up for football.

-         Stephen Colbert

Photo: www.morguefile.com